hitting home

Avengers school assembly: Let's guess at the SATs of the MCU

Column by Michael Alcorn
Posted 5/15/18

My daughter came home this week with her SAT scores. Of course, she believes—because she’s told this by her school — that this score is the end-all, be-all key to future success, happiness, and …

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hitting home

Avengers school assembly: Let's guess at the SATs of the MCU

Posted

My daughter came home this week with her SAT scores. Of course, she believes—because she’s told this by her school — that this score is the end-all, be-all key to future success, happiness, and world peace.

Actually, I exaggerate. Her school never told her it was the key to world peace.

And then, a few hours after that pivotal moment, she went with me and her brother to go see “Infinity War.” It got me to thinking: none of these guys ever took the SAT, and they’ve saved the world a dozen times. But if they HAD, what do you think they might have gotten?

Obviously, Tony Stark (aka. Iron Man) would have gotten a 1600. He’d have probably gotten a 1600 with a hangover and while hitting on the teacher/proctor of the test. Then again, he probably took the test when he was 12, so maybe not. The hangover part — he definitely got a 1600.

Likewise, I would imagine Bruce Banner (aka. The Hulk) also got a 1600. Which just goes to prove the point that there’s a difference between intellect and wisdom: Dr. Banner irradiated himself with a massive dose of gamma radiation during a test detonation of an experimental bomb, thus creating The Hulk. Oops.

And, yeah, Dr. Steven Strange was a brilliant surgeon in his previous life, so he, too could have earned a 1600. And, y’know, if he missed one or two, he could always have gone back in time and fixed them.

Peter Parker, that is, Spider Man, was probably too young to have taken the test yet. But even if he had, he had this terrible habit of running out on things at the wrong moment. He might have been on his way to a really good score, but he didn’t finish the test. 1240.

Thor strikes me as a pedestrian student. I mean, sure, he’s a god and all, but he probably spent a lot more time in the gym and on the training field than in the library. Plus, he’s like, what? 5000 years old? So, his classes were a long time ago. 1160. Good enough not to derail his track scholarship (he specialized in the hammer toss, dontcha know?).

What about Natasha Romonov, the diminutive super-assassin known as Black Widow? She seems to me to be more clever and manipulative than purely intellectual. Then again, she does speak several languages, so her verbal score might’ve been 800, but her math score was likely a bit less lofty. Maybe 550, for a composite 1350.

Of course, Steve Rogers, as a young Steve Rogers, was pretty mediocre. I don’t know if he even gets a 1000. And then, when he retook it after being turned into Captain America, with his super memory, he probably got a 1580. He lost points for disputing a couple questions that had misleading wordings.

Peter Quill, the wise-cracking Guardian of the Galaxy known as Star Lord, was that kid who only showed up at the SAT test site because it was part of a probation agreement, and then spent the entire test shooting spit wads at the smart kids in the front of the room. Let’s say 420 for getting his name right and a couple accidentally correct answers in the picture of a bunny he created by filling in dots on the answer sheet. But, then again, as soon as the test was over, he saved an elderly couple from a mugger, so…

So, I guess my point, if I have a point, is this: the SAT is not the end-all, be-all of your life, kids. There are qualities much more valuable that tests don’t measure, like courage, creativity, and a strong moral compass. Cultivate those, and the world will look to you for great things.

What’s that? What about Groot? C’mon — everybody knows talking trees aren’t real.

I am Groot is a teacher and writer who lives in Arvada with his wife and three children. His novels are available at MichaelJAlcorn.com. His opinions are not necessarily those of Colorado Community Media.

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