Editor’s Note: This is the sixth column in a geezer-related series. A few years ago I retired. I wondered, “What will I do all day?” The universe sent me guidance: “As a geezer, you have …
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Editor’s Note: This is the sixth column in a geezer-related series.
A few years ago I retired. I wondered, “What will I do all day?”
The universe sent me guidance: “As a geezer, you have younger people conspiring against you. You are to publicize three conspiracy theories by the end of the week. Publish or perish!” I took this guidance seriously. Here’s my three theories:
1. Dangerous packaging conspiracy.
Recently I bought a three pack of small candles. I tried prying the plastic covering off. No luck. I attempted to stick a pair of scissors into the plastic, but still no go. Then I got a sharp pointy knife and stabbed the plastic with all my might. The only puncture was my finger drawing a stream of blood. I shouted, four-letter words, and said, “This is a conspiracy!”
“Hey you packaging design team of punks. You are sadists.” I wrote a letter of complaint and got back this note. “Dear Mary, This plastic is so tough! We shot it with a pistol and it is bulletproof. See if you old fogies can open this! It used to be childproof but now it’s adult-proof. Ha, ha, ha!”
2. Cell phone conspiracy:
I used to have a fluorescent green cover my phone but when I was forced to upgrade (a conspiracy to sell more phones) the new one’s cover came in reddish black. The bright green cover no longer fit. (conspiracy to get me to buy more stuff) My new “upgrade” no longer stood out in the blackness of my purse or in the dark interior of my car, so I lost many phones.
The leader of the phone design team says, “Let’s make sure geezers have to buy new phones every few months. It’s not only dark, it’s also thin and slippery. Let’s design it to slip between couch cushions and car seats. We’ve put a thin layer of ski wax on these new phones. If one is dropped on a ski slope it will race down the mountain faster than Lindsey Vonn.” (conspiracy to sell more phones.)
3. Vehicle conspiracy to confuse geezers.
I like to give a nickname to my cars. My new one is a sedan. At least two people made up the words to appear next to the speedometer. The car communication techies said “How can we make this car more confusing for geezers?” Another computer geek said: “We’ll use different kinds of language — bossy statements and kind statements in the same car. The more we confuse geezers trying to nickname their cars the better.”
When I park my car, it has a commanding personality like the Godfather Vito Corleone. “Turn off your lights! (you dummy — or I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse. Don’t even leave them on for a second, or I’ll stand by your door with a gun.”
Another engineer wrote, “Key not detected in the vehicle.” This is more polite like Paddington Bear. It’s giving me the option of sitting in my car for hours without going anywhere.
I can get out of the car and find my keys or not.
To nickname my car has been a challenge: Vito Corleone or Paddington Bear? Vito Paddy, Paddy-Vito, or Boss-Paddy?
You see retirement has given me time to do EXTREMELY IMPORTANT WORK — COME UP WITH THREE ABSOLUTELY TRUE CONSPIRACY PLOTS AGAINST GEEZERS.
Mary Stobie is a freelance writer who has been published in the Denver Post and the Chicago Tribune. In her spare time she is developing more conspiracy theories. If you want to share your theories contact Mary at firstname.lastname@example.org
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